I had struggled with my mental health since a teenager, to the point of being suicidal in my early 20s and this was largely due to her drinking. I remember being 14/15 years old, walking home from school and dreading not knowing what i was going back to. The smell of red wine has a similar effect (I don’t drink but occasionally use it in cooking). For me the final straw was when I was late getting to hers as I’d been “involved” in an accident on the motorway. Whilst I wasn’t hit myself, it happened around me (I managed to avoid the other cars), and I stopped and provided first aid, had to speak to police when they arrived as a witness etc.
Expert advice on dealing with an alcoholic parent
For many years, it was hard to deal with the loss of a person who was still alive, still present and existing and functioning in society elsewhere, without you. The trouble is the older I got, the more dependent my mother became on alcohol and the more ill she became mentally. I grew up in a small English town by the sea, my family had everything we needed and a little more too. “My mum would have wanted me to do whatever makes me happy – and what makes me happy is helping people like her.” Becky says there was a lack of structured support from her school.
Remember the Six “C”s
In psychological terms we are known as ‘adult children of alcoholics’. But alcohol has also taken away my relationship with my mother, the person who brought me into this world, the person who loved me and cared for me and swore they would never choose anything over me. On her first Mother’s Day without her mum, Ella (not her real name) shares her story of growing up with an alcoholic parent. Not long after her mum died Becky was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and although she always took her medication she wasn’t really taking care of herself. Then two years ago, around the time of her marriage to Jay, she realised she needed help, both for depression and to enable her to process the trauma she’d experienced growing up. Although her parents’ marriage hadn’t lasted the course and her mum hadn’t completely stopped drinking, by the time Becky was 13, it seemed like things were improving.
Being overly responsible
I don’t know if you have been to AlAnon but they offer support to anyone affected by someone else’s drinking. FASD is the name for various issues that can affect children when the mother has drunk alcohol characteristics of high-functioning alcoholics during her pregnancy. Yet these days, I’m so happy to share my vulnerability that I write unfettered tales about my human experience and post them on the internet in the hope they might help others.
As much as it would hurt, I would remove myself from situations that involve her. Go NC and save your mental health and that of your children. It sounds like your whole family is affected by her and she is bringing lots of misery. You can’t make her stop drinking if she does want to, but you can protect yourself from her words, actions and the impact she has on those around her. To other children who carry the weight of alcoholic parents, I want you to know that you’re not alone. The key to a productive discussion is honesty and compassion.
The system ‘broke my family’
When she is sober she is the most beautiful, generous, loving person. When she is drunk she becomes selfish, argumentative, bordering on violent and abusive. When she is drunk everyone around her is wrong. My dad bears the brunt of it, but if he’s not there and I am, it will be me.
Sometimes I loved her, sometimes it was pity. At points, my feelings grew to a livid pulp of unspeakable hatred. Now, as I consider her story with a heart full of love, I understand there were so many things I don’t (and didn’t) know about my mum. At school, mum was loved, feared, and respected by children and parents alike. She taught a number of underprivileged kids, many of whom suffered abuse at that the hands of their parents. I never fully understood what it must’ve been like for her to care about those broken kids more than their own families did.
If I’m honest, by the time my rampage was over, I’d caused way more damage to others (including my younger brother) than mum ever managed in her 73 years. In is it safe to mix alcohol with lipitor fact, I went well and truly off the rails. Not that I realised at the time, but I was an alcoholic too. Oh my, what a chirpy story this is turning out to be!
- I feel for you OP I am in what sounds a similar situation.The sad truth is there is nothing we can do to help them apart from control the controllables.
- If me and OH visit we tend to leave just before she tips over the edge and turns nasty.
- UKAT aspires to deliver the highest quality care across all our centres and clinics.
- I am lucky in that when occasionally sober she is the kindest loveliest person.
Your love for your dm shines through in your post though. Mine for my dm is tainted with our past and I couldn’t speak of mine with the affection you do for yours. Your mum is very lucky to have you.I’m sorry I haven’t been able to offer much advice but I just wanted to post so that you know that in some way you’re understood and I can empathise with your situation. I feel for you OP I am in what sounds a similar situation.The sad truth is there is nothing we can do to help them apart from control the controllables. I can’t stop her drinking but I can control my reaction to it, if she has been drinking when I go to see her or talk to her I keep things as short as possible.
We are at various points of our journey home. Some of us are at the beginning, some in the middle, and some, closer to the end. Our experience and perspectives reflect where we are on that journey. With this in mind, everything is as it should be. I used to see everything as a battle, as a race or competition.
Maybe he was raised in a family with similar dynamics and has learned that a lack of response to such behavior works best for him. My guess, without knowing your father, is that he is very likely sad and feeling helpless. When she first started drinking, he gave us information on Al-Anon, a program for families and friends of alcoholics, and he talked about whether we should attend. I never considered attending, because I always thought I could just deal with it on my own.
Groups like Al-Anon and ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) provide free support and recovery. Your needs must be met consistently in order for you to feel safe and develop secure attachments. This didnt happen in your dysfunctional family. Alcoholic families are https://sober-house.org/how-to-make-yourself-pee-9-remedies-and-techniques/ in “survival mode.” Usually, everyone is tiptoeing around the alcoholic, trying to keep the peace and avoid a blow-up. If youre an adult child of an alcoholic, you feel different and disconnected. You sense thatsomething is wrong, but you don’t know what.
